Tog Wedding

I emailed Johnnie Walker this morning for a little ‘Best Wishes Announcement’ to my brother James and his future wife Elizabeth. Dear Johnnie couldn’t get my name right. Though I suppose Tansy Whitebutts & Major Dickie Whitebutts is another slant I hadn’t thought of!
He also didn’t mention our father’s name: Lord Moor [...]

How to win at Master Chef

23 February 2007 – Not broadcast

According to a phrase culled from one of the Tormentors:
“Approach the stove as if you know what you’re doing” – I would have thought this was a fairly basic requirement!
 
Make a complete pig’s breakfast of the Professional Kitchen Competency Test – as the Tormentors appear uncertain about [...]

Rustle brand knickers

16 February 2007
“What’s that rustling we can hear?
Ah! It’s our dear Fran – drawing near.
Is it the bolero she knitted herself?
No! It’s her Russell Brand knickers she bought “Off the Shelf”!
But Fran, dear Fran I really implore
Don’t wear those knickers at all anymore
For a rustling fabric near the skin will not do
I am sure [...]

Further observations on Master Chef

Aired: 13 February 2007
I chanced upon the last 5 minutes of the great Master Chef Torture Chamber again last night – A good time to watch as they’ve usually stopped shouting at each other by then.
Have you noticed, there’s a strange phenomenon creeping into the programme
At the end of each evening’s interrogation the [...]

What Ho and a white good morning to you

Broadcast 8 February 2007
It’s “BITTERLY” cold here this morning. Can’t possibly shift the 3 cm of snow off the car – so I’m going to stay in and do another quick lap of house with the old vacuum cleaner. Got to get the miles in if I am to reach the 7500 miles I have [...]

Ode to Terry’s late arrival in the snow

 
Broadcast: 8 February 2007
It is such a shame
The weather’s to blame
Our Terry’s got stuck in a snow drift.
He’s due to arrive
More dead than alive
To complete the last hour of his shift.
 
So young Sarah’s stood in
To cover this sin
But her soufflé has fallen to bits.
So dear Terry you owe her
For covering your show – and er
I [...]

I do write to you under my ‘real’ names!

Sent: 1 February – Not aired!
He who must be obeyed, Major Dickie Whitebytts, has directed me to contact you regarding your allegation that I have been writing to you under an assumed name!
Dickie (known as The Major to those close to him) wishes you to know that the Whitebytts name can be traced back [...]

The Shed!

Sent 29 January 2007 – not published
Removal of Mr Marsh’s shed from the Whitebytts garden – Immediate Action Required
For the Attention of Mr Marsh
From: Tansy Whitebytts
Will you please come and retrieve your shed. Last Thursday – a week ago – this large edifice deposited itself in our garden during the gales. [...]

The Power Cut

I have been unable to communicate with you since Monday due to our electricity supplier deciding to entertain us with an impromptu fireworks display on Monday night.
 
Having caught the attention of our little hamlet with an initial explosion and blinding white flash, lighting up the night sky, they then plunged us into darkness to ensure [...]

Thoughts on Master Chef

Aired Friday 25 January 2007:
Oh how I wish for the days of Old
When the Master Chef programme was new and bold
And contestants were treated with gentle respect
For testing their cooking skills on a TV set.
And Lloyd Grossman would applaud their culinary skills
Rather than point to weaknesses or recipe ills.
And judges didn’t have mouths like the [...]