Tog Wedding

I emailed Johnnie Walker this morning for a little ‘Best Wishes Announcement’ to my brother James and his future wife Elizabeth. Dear Johnnie couldn’t get my name right. Though I suppose Tansy Whitebutts & Major Dickie Whitebutts is another slant I hadn’t thought of!

He also didn’t mention our father’s name: Lord Moor Common – that was obviously a step too far!

He didn’t appear to appreciate the tone of the email or what he was saying – shame.

It really makes me appreciate Sir T’s sense of humour and ability. Hate to admit it but the man is a genius – don’t worry I won’t tell him!


How to win at Master Chef

23 February 2007 – Not broadcast

According to a phrase culled from one of the Tormentors:

“Approach the stove as if you know what you’re doing” – I would have thought this was a fairly basic requirement!


Make a complete pig’s breakfast of the Professional Kitchen Competency Test – as the Tormentors appear uncertain about the merits of this stage.


Mix a whole lot of unlikely ingredients together and surprise the Tormentors by turning these into a “coherent plate of food”.


And what in the name of all that’s sensible is a coherent plate of food? That’s what I’d like to know!

Tansy Whitebytts

Oh and one other thing – they are still lining up the final in height order.

I find that strangely comforting!

Rustle brand knickers

16 February 2007

“What’s that rustling we can hear?
Ah! It’s our dear Fran – drawing near.
Is it the bolero she knitted herself?
No! It’s her Russell Brand knickers she bought “Off the Shelf”!

But Fran, dear Fran I really implore
Don’t wear those knickers at all anymore
For a rustling fabric near the skin will not do
I am sure it will be scratchy and itchy and uncomfortable too!”

Further observations on Master Chef

Aired: 13 February 2007

I chanced upon the last 5 minutes of the great Master Chef Torture Chamber again last night – A good time to watch as they’ve usually stopped shouting at each other by then.

Have you noticed, there’s a strange phenomenon creeping into the programme

At the end of each evening’s interrogation the final 3 contestants are always lined up in height order – tallest on the left. Why’s that?

Unless this is so they can do a quick audition for the John Cleese/2 Ronnies Class Sketch??!!


What Ho and a white good morning to you

Broadcast 8 February 2007

It’s “BITTERLY” cold here this morning. Can’t possibly shift the 3 cm of snow off the car – so I’m going to stay in and do another quick lap of house with the old vacuum cleaner. Got to get the miles in if I am to reach the 7500 miles I have to complete in my life time according to the news this morning!

Ode to Terry’s late arrival in the snow


Broadcast: 8 February 2007

It is such a shame

The weather’s to blame

Our Terry’s got stuck in a snow drift.

He’s due to arrive

More dead than alive

To complete the last hour of his shift.


So young Sarah’s stood in

To cover this sin

But her soufflé has fallen to bits.

So dear Terry you owe her

For covering your show – and er

I think a dinner is due at the Ritz!


I do write to you under my ‘real’ names!

Sent: 1 February – Not aired!

He who must be obeyed, Major Dickie Whitebytts, has directed me to contact you regarding your allegation that I have been writing to you under an assumed name!

Dickie (known as The Major to those close to him) wishes you to know that the Whitebytts name can be traced back to Roman times. When Titus Whitebytts nearly became Emperor, but for an unfortunate incident with his toga.

In the 1890s his two great aunts – Shona and Heidi Whitebytts – maidens of strict virtue to their dying day – held a band of Zulu Warriors at bay for several days during the Siege of Little Hamlet in South Africa. A little known incident to the outside world but of great importance to those involved.

Dickie does admit that the American branch of the family has become an embarrassment. Suffice it to say he is not on speaking terms with his cousin, Randy Whitebytts, as he feels the man has brought the family name into disrepute.

Dickie is now looking for a full public apology for casting aspersions on his genealogy.


Tansy Whitebytts