Carpet Man

So Today’s the day for the Carpet Man

To visit the residence owned by Fran.

Will he seduce her with weaves of “Velvet Plush”?

Or will she, in an abandoned rush,

Be lured by the samples in his carpet bag

And fall for his offer for some sensuous Shag!


Will you please have a word with your other listener. All this talk of Fran with scarcely a stitch on has had a serious effect on Dickie Whitebytts’ blood pressure. Never mind the fact that he keeps saying he wants to stroke her new shagpile.

I am afraid I am going to have to ban him from listening to your programme if this type of talk continues – for his own health you understand.



Not Published:
OK that’s it, we’ve had enough of this British drought. Major Dickie and I are bailing out and are off to try out the West African version and to do some “Tanning of the White Bits”! The Major is also keen to put in some serious Bird Watching – which he assures me can be carried out on the beach from the comfort of his sun lounger!

He has a particular fondness for the Titbabbler.

We are also assured of spotting something rarely seen in Britain – a hosepipe in use.

So bye bye for now – look after your other listener and keep rehearsing for your Christmas day appearance as we are coming back for it.

Not Published:
He who thinks he is obeyed, Major Dickie Whitbytts, can hardly wait for tonight when his goddess Nigella will be on the telly again. He has followed her recipe for soft fruit Christmas cake but has a serious problem. What icing to use.

Should he go for traditional white, or should the icing reflect the current weather conditions.

This leaves him with two options, either sand coloured icing which is the popular Drought view being plugged by Thames Water or a Mud Brown to reflect the current state of the garden.


Not Published:

So we’re back from our brief sojourn in the sun. Whilst away the Major (Major Dickie Whitebytts) spotted a couple who on initial view appeared to be father and his rather stunning daughter (long legged beauty, lightly tanned complexion). However on the morning of the 3rd day it became obvious to me that the relationship was, shall we say, slightly more intimate. Amused, I pointed this out to the Major.

“ Lucky Devil!” announced the Major.

I understand the Major is looking forward to being allowed back into the house from his current location of the Chicken House and being able to sit on his white bits!

Merry Christmas to your other listener and to you.


Not Published:

Ah Gordon has just caught the Major’s notice.

Dickie has just informed me he likes a bit of firm breast and is now all ears. All it needs now is Nigella’s input and you will have finally got a convert to your programme!.


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