Sent: 1 February – Not aired!
He who must be obeyed, Major Dickie Whitebytts, has directed me to contact you regarding your allegation that I have been writing to you under an assumed name!
Dickie (known as The Major to those close to him) wishes you to know that the Whitebytts name can be traced back to Roman times. When Titus Whitebytts nearly became Emperor, but for an unfortunate incident with his toga.
In the 1890s his two great aunts – Shona and Heidi Whitebytts – maidens of strict virtue to their dying day – held a band of Zulu Warriors at bay for several days during the Siege of Little Hamlet in South Africa. A little known incident to the outside world but of great importance to those involved.
Dickie does admit that the American branch of the family has become an embarrassment. Suffice it to say he is not on speaking terms with his cousin, Randy Whitebytts, as he feels the man has brought the family name into disrepute.
Dickie is now looking for a full public apology for casting aspersions on his genealogy.