Broadcast – well the first four lines!
If no-one has heard of you and your life is a bore
If you can’t cope with ingredients and you find cooking a chore
If you don’t care if you look stupid – ‘cos you haven’t a clue
Then Kitchen Criminals is the programme for you.
But Oh dear BBC it’s too cringeing to watch
As good recipes are turned into a hash and a botch
It might have been kinder to have left well alone
To have left those numpties in their cooking-free zone
It’s cruel to inflict us with their humiliation and pain
Just to give them their longed for fifteen minutes of fame!