Never mind the cooking how about the clearing up


It’s all very well, To have that kitchen from Hell
And cookery programmes up to our armpits

But my heart goes out, without any doubt
To those washing up who must be having a fit

For its perfectly clear, as I’m sat sittin here
That the chefs like to play with all the utensils

And lots of pans and pots, so they can cook lots and lots
They leave the cleaning up to others as they eat their fill

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The TV Chef Cometh or Nigella came to call!


Broadcast

To the tune of the Gas man Cometh by Flanders and Swann: (with apologies!!)

Twas on a Monday evening Nigella came to call
She rustled up a Paella – it took no time at all
She forgot to cook for more than one – her amounts were up the creek
So I had to call dear Marco in for the middle of the week

Oh It all makes work for the TV Chef to do

Twas on a Tuesday evening dear Marco made his mark
He hadn’t cooked for years and years – he was totally in the dark
It was Hell in that kitchen – lots of rushing round and round
So I had to call the Frenchman in – to make it safe and sound

Oh it all makes work for the TV chef to do

Twas on a Wednesday evening cher Raymond set a task
To cook for all the children was all that he would ask
He set the chefs to work – in front of our very eyes
But it took them all ‘til Thursday night – a bit of a surprise

Oh it all makes work for the TV chef to do

From Friday to Sunday they do no work at all
So Twas on a Monday evening that Nigella came to call!

Just as you thought it was safe………


Aaaaaaaah!    Just as you thought it was safe to turn the TV on!

Wrong!   Yet another Cooking (sorry cucking) programme hits us.

I thought I was safe – Kitchen Criminals safely over!  But No!
Now we’re confronted by John ‘I love a Race’ taking on a Takeaway Challenge – and yet more people to can’t or won’t cook.  Talk about flogging a dead balti!  And he still won even though he left out the Spinach from the Chicken and Spinach dish he was challenged to cook  (sorry Cuck)!

A very weak Link!


As you were otherwise engaged – entertaining the nation – on Saturday evening, you will have missed the weakest ‘ Celebrity Weakest Link’ ever to have been recorded.

Goodness knows who the young bimbos were but their collective IQ can’t have been above a generous 4!  Even the questions had been  specially dumbed down!

Question:  Which chef has size 15 feet:  Gordon Ramsey or Delia Smith?

Contestant:  Delia?

Question:  Which is the highest mountain in the Himalayas that begins with E?

Contestant:  Oxygen!

The intelligence  – or the lack of it  – of the contestants was breathtaking!

There was only one poor girl who had any clue and the others voted her off  before the last round – reason:  She’s too bright!

Poor Ann.  By the end of the programme I actually began to feel quite sorry for her!

wall to wall cookery programmes


It’s Hell out there in TV land
What to put on the schedules each night?
It’s Criminal to think that someone might miss
The chance to enhance their cookery might!

So just to be sure that we none of us miss
That culinary or cookery gem
They just broadcast cookery all night long
It’s easier – so who can blame ’em!

But back in the real world – so we’re told
We’re getting fatter and fatter each day
Research will soon tell us – of that I am sure
That we need to stop cooking our lives away!

Then along with Marco, Raymond, Gordon and Rick
Nigella, Jamie and John
We will be forced to watch hours of how to get fit
And how to shed all that weight we put on!

So make the most of it – that’s what I say!!

A little vice would be nice (offer from Lynn Bowles)


Broadcast – but not attributed!

“A little vice would be nice” reflected Terry one morn
Sounding a tad sad and a little forlorn
“Ah! I have one right here in my tool box” said Lynn
“You can have it, No problem. It’s shiny and thin.”
“Just screw it to the table and wind the handle around
You can clamp what you like in it, without making a sound”.

Said Sir Terry to Lynn: “That’s really so kind”
“But that’s not quite the type of vice I had in mind!”
So Terry now has a vice clamped – to his table of beech
But the vice that he yearns for – is still out of reach!

The Eurovision Dance outing!


Glad to see spirit of Eurovision lives on. The tactical voting on Saturday night was SO reassuring – I would have been really disillusioned if the best dancers had actually won!