I’m under siege…. From Hornets


It’s all very well everyone wittering on about the terror of wasps. It’s the hornets we should be worried about
These foreign johnnies don’t even restrict their attacks to the day time – not at all british.
Last night just as I had switched out the light and was settling down in my little truckle bed I was subjected to a night time raid by one the size of a Zeppelin – and jolly unnerving it was too.
After several minutes of combat I succeeded in luring it back out through the window.
My nerves are in tatters……

Now it’s the candles that are going to get us


Broadcast

We’re all doomed!! Or is it just the Silly Season!

Is it me? Or have the doom mongers become bored with food / drink and swine flu scares.

According to Radio 4 this morning lighting candles in badly ventilated rooms can cause cancer!

So how come the human race wasn’t wiped out before electricity became available?

I just hope the wind keeps blowing and those wretched wind turbines keep turning or we’re doomed!

I live in terror of the next power cut…..!

The Nation must be kept in a state of anxiety !

Zombies to take over the world


If I was a little Zombie – I’d change the world when I took over
I’d say “Let’s all drink too much and try never to stay sober”!
I’d kill off those researchers who confuse us and conflict
Who stop us from enjoying life with the doom that they predict!
I’d stop all the wind farms – which fail on windless days
And announce that global warming is just an irritating faze!
I’d fire the ‘Elf and Safety men – and walk backwards if I choose
And grin – at Her Majesty – I’d not have much to lose!
And if I fell and hurt myself I really wouldn’t sue
I’d leave those ambulance chasers with nothing left to do.
I’d do away with the “Nanny State” and the bureaucratic horror
And wander round singing silly songs and forget about tomorra’ !
I’d eat all those processed foods which I’m told are really bad
And live to be a hundred – just like m’ dear old Dad!
Then I’d potter in my garden and watch the flowers grow
What a great life – we’d all have – being Zombies – “Don’t you know”!

At last the silly season is upon us


Broadcast (Unattributed)

So good of the Elf and Safety brigade to lay into the Royal Protocol and stop the practice of walking backwards when leaving Her Maj’s presence.

Just how many people have been injured over the centuries?

Still Crasher Nove should be pleased – he’s not too hot on the old reversing technique is he!!

Midsomer Massacres so arty – so Desperate


Broadcast

How AWFULLY clever of Midsomer Massacres to join in the current arty trend and emulate that Desperate Romantics outing. How very IN and “With the moment”
Not only did we have the usual – gratifying – crop of dead bodies but we were also treated to NAKEDNESS!
Pictures and models déshabillés– I am not surprised Barnaby averted his eyes.
And as for Mrs Barnaby – well I am amazed she permitted it – but she kept Cully well out of the way
None of that
“Hello Cully – what are you doing here?”

Bar-b-que dousing liquid


So thoughtful of the ‘Elf and Safety brigade to provide us with all this wonderful Bar-b-que dousing liquid from the sky.

After all we don’t want any of those bush fires do we!

But could they just stop the flow long enough to allow me time to light the thing and actually cook something!

the Tan and Touch up emporium


Dear Mr Dedicoat

I don’t wish to complain
BUT
Major Dickie seems to be having far too much fun at that Tan and Touch-up Emporium of yours.
And as for your latest summer special – “ the South American all-over Exploration”
Well ! You can remove that “Amazone Body Wrap” of yours by telling her she can let go now!