Scientists work out how to count birds (feathered variety)


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So I see from today’s Daily Telegraph (other newspapers are available) that Scientists  have now worked out how to use birdsong to measure the size of bird populations.

Well what a waste of effort and research money!

The way to work out how many birds there are – if you feel so desperately inclined:

Is –  Count the number of Wings and divide by Two!

Easy  – works every time!!  Unlike their system which must rely on all the little blighters singing at once!!

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Ah those Senior Moments – At Last someone understands


I see from my latest catalogue of  gift items “For Men or Girls”  there is the  answer to every TOGs prayer

The “Senior Moments Game”

As the blurb says – “For those who think they’re losing their marbles”.  If you fail to answer the basic questions and lose all your marbles –  you’ll  find yourself “Living entire days over and over again”.

The winner is the person who manages to get through the entire week!

So look out  – you could find yourself stuck in this job and the prospect of retirement just a distant dream!!

It’s never too late to get a Newcomer Award


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Don’t give up Love!  You may yet be on the verge of winning something worth having!

After all if Lenny Henry can win a Best Newcomer Award after his 35 years in the business – Why can’t you?

That performance of yours in “Lark Rise to Candleford” could be it!

And now that you’ll have a lot of spare time from January  – just keep turning up on the set  –  worm your way in  – this could be your chance!

Boggy’s NOT a sailor…….


Boggy is NOT a sailor
He couldn’t navigate around a moat
He’s safest moored in harbour
Where he’s sure he’ll  stay afloat!

There’s no such thing as a Research Free Week


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So just when we thought we might get a Research Free Week,

It’s another day of “Doomed if you do”  and “Doomed if you don’t”  Research.

And we’re back into “Alcohol is good for you – and then again it isn’t!”

Excellent!!   – must dash – I need to down  a few units before I face the rest of the day!

Ode to Paul Viney and his mighty gavel


Broadcast – unattributed

Oh Paul, Oh Paul

I wish you were mine

Your voice is so sexy

And your profile divine

The Size of your Gavel

Makes me weak at the knees.

So will you give it a bang

Just the once – for me  – Please!

Overlooked for hosting Strictly


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(well only the first paragraph and that unattributed!!)

Dear Togmeister

So just when your flagging television career could have had a well needed boost  you were overlooked.

Your one chance to show you know your  “Ball changes”  from your “fleckles” and you failed to be noticed – AGAIN!

I am so sure you would have jumped at the chance to stand in for Brucey.

And  –  isn’t it a shame – you can’t even complain they went for a younger man!

Hey Ho – such is life – downhill all the way!!

Don’t you  go throwing a sicky on Friday or we’ll never see you again!