A short ditty on Autumn Watch


With fur and feathers and lots of stags
Cormorants and seals –but sadly no shags
AutumnWatch is back with its usual crescendo
Of excitable Bill and Odd innuendo

We live in hope that with some luck
Simon will show us his prize “Super Buck”

And all the men are thrilled to bits
To get a sight of Kate Humble’s ……. mitts!


A few lines on the passing of Autumn Watch

Broadcast – 20 November

Autumn Watch has ‘gorn’ and ended
Simon King has moved inside
Bill bereft of the rutting stags
And the wild boars trying to hide

Gone the chance to see Kate’s Beavers
No more Widgeon, swans, or Godwits.
But what the Major would like his hands on
Is a pair of Kate’s cuddly………….mitts.

Autumn watch is getting naughtier!!

How good to find Autumn Watch is so full of smut
With the Stags on the Greens having a jolly good rut.
It was certainly raunchy enough to shake all of the nation
Though it appeared most failed to get any gratification

Then Dear Darling Kate becoming ever more eager
To show us all her favourite beaver.
But She’s lost track of her tits which seems such a shame
And Bill’s wearing That jumper that’s always the same.

What’s happened to all the cookery programmes


One minute we’re satiated by the number of cookery programmes on the schedules – the next it’s Nothing, Zilch, nada, ‘Nil by mouth’.

Not a cook or ingredient in sight.

Nigella’s beauties have gone into hiding and Heston has put away his garden digger and returned the foot pump and spray gun to his shed.

Perhaps Bill, Kate and Simon could rustle up a little ‘venison on the hoof’, pheasant road kill or Bunny pie.

The nation is starving! We won’t last until the end of Autumn Watch unless drastic action is taken!

Autumn Watch – a little poem – Kate Humble’s tits


Autumn Watch is back on view
And Bill’s hair has taken on an orange hue.
We’re missing Kate’s tits which have gone into hiding
But she says she’s caught fleas which is much more exciting.

As to the Beavers – best leave well alone
As they build their lodge close to dear Kate’s home.
Simon’s using his thermal camera – out in all weathers
Ah – The joy as he caught the heat-spots of the soundman’s nethers!