Alert to Sir Terry – watch out Richard Allinson is on the offensive….

Listen carefully .. I shall say this only once:

Allinson is on the offensive….

He is creeping up on you and trying a take over. At the end of his effort yesterday he let slip his cunning plan to pinch some of your show. He said, and I quote:

“We’ll be doing it all again tomorrow at around 9.00”

Forewarned is forearmed – watch out after the 9.00 o’clock news –

Man your defences. Barricade yourself in. Get Deadly and the Travel Tottie to form a counter attack. Beryl Ann looks a good strong lad – he should be able to floor any insurgence.

I’ve got the Major on standby if you need to call up re-enforcements

Good luck

Tansy

Ah! Celebrity MasterChef – Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose

Broadcast

Still Loud

Still lining up the contestants in height order

Still swallowing large amounts of food in one gulp

Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose  – as I am sure dear Jenny would say!

 

Ode to Finnish food – 11 May 2007

When you start the day with snorkers
Made from Dutch or Danish Porkers
With perhaps a little curry on the side
It can be a bit un-nerving
To be given just a serving
Of a herring that’s been pickled or just dried.

When donuts there are a plenty
In your studio – which is empty
And Lynn ‘n Boggy are eating everything in sight
It can be a bit un-nerving
To be faced with just a serving
Of reindeer served morning, noon and night!

So if you’re a little peckish
And a snorker you would relish
Then remember you will soon be going home
Where it won’t be at all un-nerving
To be greeted with just a serving
Of a full English or just bacon on its own!!

Eurovision

Broadcast – 10 May 2007 (sent in 2 days earlier)

So our Terry’s soon off to Hel-sin-ki
Where the locals dress is a bit kin-ky.
For Eurovision is on us once again
Ah! It’s another chance to air that Accord-ienne.
Most songs will have all but lost the plot
It’s the costumes that count – the songs – not a lot
And once they’ve all strutted their stuff
And Terry will have had more than enough
The voting then plods on nation by nation
Each hoping to get in some retaliation.
Points awarded as thanks for some past chore
Or purely because they live next door.
Then finally a winner will be found
Thank god we only get one round.
And if Britain fails to bring in a win
With Scooch being scotched – it’s not a sin
To you all I give this cheerful warning
The winning song will be forgotten by the following morning!

The M4

Ah the joys of the M4 – so loved by us all! All those drivers multi-tasking as they hurtle along in the fast lane. I am particularly fond of the man who insists on shaving and then there’s the girl putting on her mascara – what fun it is keeping out of their way as they weave their merry way.

The other day however a new sight greeted us. Hanging from the rear-view mirror of this particular car – driven I hasten to add by a young gal – A bra and pair of knickers! Which the girl in question kept fondling – no other word for it.

What troubles me is – was she driving in the buff? Why was her underwear hanging up for all to see? Was she drying her underwear prior to putting it on? I have yet to come up with a satisfactory answer to any of these musings.

Major Dickie tells me he is really quite keen to meet her!

Tansy

The continuing saga of our Thames Water Bill

Why is my life so complicated.  I don’t ask for much – nor does Major Dickie since it was me that spent a large part of the evening removing the tomato ketchup and muesli from the walls!!  He is definitely keeping a low profile

How come then the simple business of paying the water bill has turned into a drama.  Due to failings by dear Thames Water we had a bill which appeared to be for most of the South East of England.  After several calls to their ‘billing department’ we have now been sent a bill which stated we should pay – but have been told to  ignore and a 2^nd bill which had “IGNORE” printed all over it – which the Billing Dept. said we should pay – despite it being a credit.

So do we ignore the Credit and pay the bill or ignore the bill and also ignore the IGNORE on the Credit and ask for our money.
I can’t cope – I am going to lie down in a darkened room.

Tansy

Chaos with tomato ketchup and muesli decorating

Broadcast 3 May

The last 24 hours has been somewhat unusual in the Whitebytts household.

Last night The Major ignored the standard caution

“Tomato ketchup, shake the bottle. None’ll come and then the Lot’ll”

and successfully covered himself, me and a large part of the kitchen in pretty red blodges. After having had to strip off our outer garments to distance ourselves from the sauce we lost interest in clearing up.

This morning Dickie attacked the new packet of muesli with more gusto than was advisable – and deposited the entire contents over – yes you’ve guessed it – a large part of the kitchen.

How interesting it is to see little flakes of oats and fruit attached to blobs of red on our once yellow walls – it’s been a whole new decorating experience.

Tansy

5 Tips for a woman……

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn’t lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don’t know each other.

Bring on the Wogan collection – 2 May

 

Broadcast

I’ve spotted a gap in the market – a sure fire winner! Bring on the Wogan Collection.

A range of comfy apparel, including ‘Supportive Undergarments’ for that added secure feeling.

And of course all items would have to come with Built in Tog Tagging electronics all ready for the latest Government wheeze.

I suggest you steer clear of the more skimpy articles of clothing like tiny shorts or see-through trousers – you don’t want to scare the public.

As to colours. I believe the nation has established, beyond reasonable doubt, that Orange is not a colour that suits you. So apart from the obvious Beige, Taupe and Sand I think a little purple in the collection would enhance its appeal and perhaps some surprising Red or Raspberry – very useful for hiding those food stains.

You’ll make a mint!

Tansy

Poem to Lynn Bowles – 1 May

Broadcast

All except the last line which he lost his nerve over!

The pulses of many millions rose
At the thought of Lynn – with no clothes
Hoping to catch a sight of this
Men logged on in dreamy bliss
But Oh no! The Web Cam’s froze

Seen from behind was their only view
There was nothing left that they could do
But Terry’s smile was benign
“From where I’m sitting the view’s just fine!
And Tits like Coconuts too”!